It looks like Mr Incredible has some padding you-know-where. ©Disney

Fairy Fact: The parade’s giant puppets were created by Emmy-winner Michael Curry who also designed creations for The Lion King on Broadway, Cirque du Soliel’s Ka and LOVE, and one of Eddie’s favorite Disney parades, Epcot’s Tapestry of Dreams. Meanwhile, Play was choreographed by Madonna collaborator Fred Tallaksen. Sadly, Disney wouldn’t let him put cone tits on Mrs. Incredible.

Upon diving to the ocean’s depths in a bright yellow submarine, guests follow adventurous clown fish Nemo who has again wandered off—this time with tiny turtle Squirt. Naturally, dad Marlin and forgetful Dory (sadly not voiced by Ellen DeGeneres here) follow, and recreate many of the famous scenes from the movie (including jellyfish, shark encounter, and traveling on the EAC). And while we love a Nemo sequel-cum-rehash as much as the next guys, it does make us wish for an attraction that could make up its mind; either show us scenes from the movie (like the Peter Pan attraction) or give us a new plot that takes place after the film (like Honey, I Shrunk the audience). But you can’t do both.

But putting our general bitterness aside, not an easy thing for either of us to do, it’s wonderful to see the subs out of mothballs and circling the lagoon once again. The attraction does have some great effects—including a cool underwater volcano. And you can also revel in knowing that big shark Bruce is voiced by a world renowned drag queen—Barry Humphries, better known as Dame Edna.

A riding tip: The attraction is a slow-loader with limited capacity, so we’d advise you to hit it immediately upon entering the park first thing in the morning.

Fairy Fact : The current attraction has some tributes to its previous tenant. Toward the end of your journey you hear, "Captain, should I enter any of this into the log?" "No, no one would believe it." Those lines are a direct quote from the original subs ride. And for those of you pining for the old mermaids and sea serpents, look very closely at the end of the attraction. The rocky formations at the end pay homage to the departed favorites.

Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island
Overall Rating: ***
Attraction Debut: 2007 (1956 as Tom Sawyer Island)

In order to capitalize on the success of the Pirates film franchise, Disney execs saw the opportunity to Pirate-ize Tom Sawyer Island when they found a passage in Mark Twain’s book that featured the lads imagining they were swarthy buccaneers. While purists complain that it’s tarnishing one of the attractions Walt himself cared deeply about, the fact is that many kids today—like Jeffrey’s boyfriend—sadly have no idea who Tom Sawyer is. So, without totally abandoning Walt’s vision, Imagineers came up some clever enhancements to the island. One of the caves, now known as Dead Man's Grotto, features clever special effects including one with vanishing jewels. Since Eddie has been known to work very hard for jewelry (sometimes for several nights) he wasn't having any of that vanishing stuff the first time we went. But after six hours of trying to grab one, he realized he could do better soliciting back in New Orleans Square.

Smuggler’s Cove offers a bit of a work out as you pump water from a small, well, cove. When you do, treasure is revealed. Of course, it all just fills up with water again. But then you can pump more. Or just watch the hot daddies pumping to impress their kids. We could spend all day there.

Tom and Huck’s tree house still stands, but we prefer to hang out at Will Turner’s Blacksmith Shop. Alas, Orlando Bloom has yet to visit.

Naturally Jack Sparrow and some of his pirate crew make it out there for a show several times a day (in peak season). And you know he’s got a penchant for eyeliner so we say, share your latest application techniques. Girls, that goes for you too.

Fairy Fact : Lee Arenberg and Mackenzie Crook—the Pirate movies’s bickering lovers—we mean, pirates—lend their voices in Dead Man's Grotto to some arrrrgh-inducing special effects.

The Princess Fantasy Faire Overall Rating: * Attraction Debut: 2007 What can we say about The Princess Fantasy Faire that wouldn’t sound really bitchy? Hmmmmm. Nope, not a thing. Don’t get us wrong, we love our princesses! We just hate the princess marketing line and this “attraction” is nothing but a cynical offshoot of that line to sell more crap to little girls. Disneyland has converted its one venue for live theatre (granted, the last tenant, “Snow White: An Enchanting Musical” was anything but enchanting) into a space for kiddie crafts, princess storytelling, princess visits, and princess merchandise (including hair extensions. ‘Cause nothing says “royalty” like a six-year-old tarted up with fake hair and Cinderella lip gloss).

Doesn't Eddie look pretty as Belle? © Disney

We have to concede that the whole thing looks pretty but whatever happened to Walt’s notion that Disneyland exist as a place for children and parents to be able to enjoy the same experience? If there’s a parent enjoying the Fantasy Faire, they need help.  We do, however think that there might be a use for this place: curious about your little boy’s sexuality? Bring him here! You’ll know within 42 seconds.

Where the hell is Poca? Poooocaaa!! © Disney

Fairy Fact: Amongst the princesses featured here, you’ll find a fair share of wannabes. Pocahontas? Not actually a princess. Ditto Mulan. And mixed in with the merchandise you’ll find Tinker Bell stuff (fairy, yes. Princess, uhhhh, no.) and Giselle items. Sorry Giselle, it’s a good dress and all. And you came awfully close. But you ain’t no princess.