Celebrate! A Street Party Overall Rating: ** Attraction debut: 2009 Like the Move it! Shake it! Celebrate it! Street Party over at Walt Disney World, this “party” rolls out onto the street and stops for the characters to whoop it up to contemporary music and dance with guests, along with stilt walkers and bike riders. While the whole affair is cute enough, it is a bit disconcerting seeing the likes of Mary Poppins jiving to “I Love Rock and Roll.”

Whee! We have to do this 500 times a day! © Disney

Unlike Move it! Shake it!, however, the Dance Party replaces a far superior (and far more expensive) parade—Walt Disney’s Parade of Dreams (although rumor is that the Parade of Dreams may yet return). Also unlike Move it! Shake it!, which emerges, performs, and recesses, the Dance Party seems to be unusually cruel to its tireless dancers, who perform at three separate stops in three consecutive sets before they get a break. (twice a day, no less). The gay quotient here is particularly high. It’s actually hard to actually pinpoint the gayest element. Is it the dancer costumes that look like rejects from cheering squad? Is it the show’s finale from Hairspray? Mickey’s sequined hoodie? Or is it watching Pinocchio and Gepetto swing dance like a couple? Tough call. But if you stand too close to the action and are pulled into the party by zealous cast members, you could well be the gayest element yet.

Jessie and Woody looking weird. Very weird. © Disney

“it’s a small world” (refurbishment) Overall rating: **** Attraction debut: 1966 (refurbished 2009) After a nine month facelift of Candy Spelling proportions, “it’s a small world” emerged looking refreshed and rejuvenated. The lighting is better than ever, the sound clear and flawless. What had Disney purists on tenterhooks was the new inclusion of classic Disney characters, as had been done for the attraction’s opening at Hong Kong Disneyland.

Fairy Fact: While most of the characters have been incorporated into their indigenous lands, one has not. Cinderella is not, in fact, a French character despite the fact that Disney set the film in France. The first European version of Cinderella is actually Italian (and the first French version put Cinderella in fur boots, not glass slippers—now we’re talkin’!). Which leads us to ask what the Imagineers have against the tres francais Aristocats or the eponymous Hunchback of Notre Dame. Did they think that a cute little Quasimodo would somehow spoil things because his bones stick out? So do Paris Hilton’s and she’s HUGE!

Pixie Hollow
Overall Rating: *
Attraction Debut: 2008

We love Tinker Bell. After all, she's a pretty fierce fairy. That said, the watering down of this sassy, sometimes even petulant character for mass consumption in the direct-to-DVD market has us a little, well, sad. Sure, we think every fairy deserves her due—Eddie is still waiting—but at what cost to the Guest? Certainly not a 45-minute wait at a character-greeting-area-masked-as-attraction. Maybe if the area (formerly a meet-and-greet station for Ariel) were a little more immersive we'd be less bitter. Oh, who are we kidding? Jeffrey is always bitter. But that doesn't make Pixie Hollow any less disappointing. Yes, the giant blades of grass (to make you feel like you've shrunk to Tink's size) are clever, but the basic construction is shoddy; on a recent visit, the bases that hold the Hollow's flora were chipping paint and cement. Still Eddie loves a chance to meet fellow fairy, and here, not only do you get Tink, one of Tink's movie pals is around for a photo op. Jeffrey loves the big mushrooms you can sit on—although that may be because of their hallucinogenic properties. In any case, unless you're dying for a photo moment with Tink (and we know some of you are), skip this "attraction."

Fairy Fact: As guests approach the Hollow, the blades of grass grow bigger and bigger until even the tallest human is dwarfed by the arching greenery. Disneyland Senior Show Director Denny Newell says that area has been dubbed by insiders as "the Monsanto tunnel"—an homage to the gone-but-not forgotten Adventure Thru Inner Space attraction, sponsored by Monsanto, where guests would feel like they were shrinking to the size of an atom.

Toy Story Mania Overall Rating: *** Attraction Debut: 2008 After a great deal of anticipation and hype, Toy Story Mania opened in two parks both in need of a popular new attraction. Disney’s California Adventure and Disney’s Hollywood Studios were both hungry for something new and shiny. New, they got. Shiny? Well, Toy Story Mania is

a perfectly pleasant ride, but it’s far from the E-ticket promised, despite some state-of-the-art technology. Guests go through the attraction, designed as a boardwalk shooting arcade, on vehicles which make stops in front of five separate 3-D video screens. Targets pop up in abundance and guests shoot and rack up points using cute lil’ cannons attached to their vehicle’s hoods. After about thirty seconds the round ends and it’s on to the next screen. The visuals are clever and cute, the 3-D is impressive, and the setting is well done, with oversized games and toys making guests feel the same size as Buzz, Woody and company. But the game itself is scarcely different from what you’d find in your average video arcade, with the added feature of a ride vehicle moving you between screens.  And since it’s important to give kids the feeling that they, too, can compete, the shooting is very simple, with high-point targets requiring no more skill than lower-point targets. So while a cute diversion is always welcome, it’s a bit disappointing that all of the money and creative energy that went into this one bred something so derivative. And really, must every new attraction be Pixar related? This makes the 15th Pixar attraction in the Disney parks. We love Pixar, too, but enough already!  We do have to say, however, that the building which houses Toy Story Mania at DCA is beautiful, blending seamlessly with Paradise Pier, it looks like a mini-version of the Grand Floridian. And then there is the much touted Mr. Potato Head interactive barker out front. He’s as cute as a talking spud can be. But be warned that in Florida, the FASTPASS line eschews a Potato Head viewing.

It looks like Mr Incredible has some padding you-know-where. ©Disney

Fairy Fact: The parade’s giant puppets were created by Emmy-winner Michael Curry who also designed creations for The Lion King on Broadway, Cirque du Soliel’s Ka and LOVE, and one of Eddie’s favorite Disney parades, Epcot’s Tapestry of Dreams. Meanwhile, Play was choreographed by Madonna collaborator Fred Tallaksen. Sadly, Disney wouldn’t let him put cone tits on Mrs. Incredible.

Upon diving to the ocean’s depths in a bright yellow submarine, guests follow adventurous clown fish Nemo who has again wandered off—this time with tiny turtle Squirt. Naturally, dad Marlin and forgetful Dory (sadly not voiced by Ellen DeGeneres here) follow, and recreate many of the famous scenes from the movie (including jellyfish, shark encounter, and traveling on the EAC). And while we love a Nemo sequel-cum-rehash as much as the next guys, it does make us wish for an attraction that could make up its mind; either show us scenes from the movie (like the Peter Pan attraction) or give us a new plot that takes place after the film (like Honey, I Shrunk the audience). But you can’t do both.

But putting our general bitterness aside, not an easy thing for either of us to do, it’s wonderful to see the subs out of mothballs and circling the lagoon once again. The attraction does have some great effects—including a cool underwater volcano. And you can also revel in knowing that big shark Bruce is voiced by a world renowned drag queen—Barry Humphries, better known as Dame Edna.

A riding tip: The attraction is a slow-loader with limited capacity, so we’d advise you to hit it immediately upon entering the park first thing in the morning.

Fairy Fact : The current attraction has some tributes to its previous tenant. Toward the end of your journey you hear, "Captain, should I enter any of this into the log?" "No, no one would believe it." Those lines are a direct quote from the original subs ride. And for those of you pining for the old mermaids and sea serpents, look very closely at the end of the attraction. The rocky formations at the end pay homage to the departed favorites.

Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island
Overall Rating: ***
Attraction Debut: 2007 (1956 as Tom Sawyer Island)

In order to capitalize on the success of the Pirates film franchise, Disney execs saw the opportunity to Pirate-ize Tom Sawyer Island when they found a passage in Mark Twain’s book that featured the lads imagining they were swarthy buccaneers. While purists complain that it’s tarnishing one of the attractions Walt himself cared deeply about, the fact is that many kids today—like Jeffrey’s boyfriend—sadly have no idea who Tom Sawyer is. So, without totally abandoning Walt’s vision, Imagineers came up some clever enhancements to the island. One of the caves, now known as Dead Man's Grotto, features clever special effects including one with vanishing jewels. Since Eddie has been known to work very hard for jewelry (sometimes for several nights) he wasn't having any of that vanishing stuff the first time we went. But after six hours of trying to grab one, he realized he could do better soliciting back in New Orleans Square.

Smuggler’s Cove offers a bit of a work out as you pump water from a small, well, cove. When you do, treasure is revealed. Of course, it all just fills up with water again. But then you can pump more. Or just watch the hot daddies pumping to impress their kids. We could spend all day there.

Tom and Huck’s tree house still stands, but we prefer to hang out at Will Turner’s Blacksmith Shop. Alas, Orlando Bloom has yet to visit.

Naturally Jack Sparrow and some of his pirate crew make it out there for a show several times a day (in peak season). And you know he’s got a penchant for eyeliner so we say, share your latest application techniques. Girls, that goes for you too.

Fairy Fact : Lee Arenberg and Mackenzie Crook—the Pirate movies’s bickering lovers—we mean, pirates—lend their voices in Dead Man's Grotto to some arrrrgh-inducing special effects.

The Princess Fantasy Faire Overall Rating: * Attraction Debut: 2007 What can we say about The Princess Fantasy Faire that wouldn’t sound really bitchy? Hmmmmm. Nope, not a thing. Don’t get us wrong, we love our princesses! We just hate the princess marketing line and this “attraction” is nothing but a cynical offshoot of that line to sell more crap to little girls. Disneyland has converted its one venue for live theatre (granted, the last tenant, “Snow White: An Enchanting Musical” was anything but enchanting) into a space for kiddie crafts, princess storytelling, princess visits, and princess merchandise (including hair extensions. ‘Cause nothing says “royalty” like a six-year-old tarted up with fake hair and Cinderella lip gloss).

Doesn't Eddie look pretty as Belle? © Disney

We have to concede that the whole thing looks pretty but whatever happened to Walt’s notion that Disneyland exist as a place for children and parents to be able to enjoy the same experience? If there’s a parent enjoying the Fantasy Faire, they need help.  We do, however think that there might be a use for this place: curious about your little boy’s sexuality? Bring him here! You’ll know within 42 seconds.

Where the hell is Poca? Poooocaaa!! © Disney

Fairy Fact: Amongst the princesses featured here, you’ll find a fair share of wannabes. Pocahontas? Not actually a princess. Ditto Mulan. And mixed in with the merchandise you’ll find Tinker Bell stuff (fairy, yes. Princess, uhhhh, no.) and Giselle items. Sorry Giselle, it’s a good dress and all. And you came awfully close. But you ain’t no princess.