PLANNING YOUR TRIP
Unless you are completely bonkers, you’re unlikely to travel tot he other side of the globe just to go to Disneyland. That said, the second time I visited, I went for three days and never set foot outside of the resort. Color me shallow.

Whether you go to Disney at the beginning or end of your trip is a difficult choice. If you start there, the rest of Japan risks looking drab in comparison. If you end there, you may be exhausted from visiting shrines, temples, and teahouses (which are different than “tea rooms,” dirty boys) and not have the energy required to explore the parks. But I suggest you give yourself at least three days to feel like you have seen everything.

And bring a lot of money. The place is EXPENSIVE. While a park ticket is pretty much in line with the US pricing structure (5,500 yen, which was around $53 when I checked), the hotels average several hundred dollars a night. Food and souvenirs are pricey as well. But you need to eat. And you need souvenirs.

There are cash machines in the parks and at the hotels, but I would recommend charging as much as you can on your credit card as that will usually get you the best bang for your currency exchange.

The weather is similar to that of, say, Washington D.C. Yes, it can snow in the winter. Yes, it is hot and often-humid during the summer. Take note and plan your Dolce and Gabbana wardrobe appropriately.

As for the best time of the year to go… Well, let’s start with when it’s best NOT to go. November and December are packed for the holidays. May has school vacation and August brings the summer crowd visitors. So those four months are best to avoid. That said, the park is never not busy. Crowds at the park are insane. People line up at the front gate starting over an hour before park opening. FASTPASSes can run out quickly. Last year, Tokyo Disneyland was the most-visited park in the world after the Magic Kingdom. (Yes, it beat Disneyland.)

DISNEY CULTURE IN JAPAN
The Japanese are Disney crazy. I am actually understating this. There is a “fan culture” in the country that has people virtually stalking the American performers in the shows the way that Madonna has stalkers. I kid you not.

Case in point: My friend David was performing in the park as a dancer in a stage show. He didn’t sing. He didn’t play one particular character. He was just a dancer. (A very good dancer, of course!) The day I met him in the park, a female fan had handed him a stack of over 100 photographs of him performing in the show. These snapshots—all of David—had been taken by this one person seeing every performance of his show over the course of one day. She had also given him a stuffed Mickey Mouse doll with a costume she had hand-made—which was a detailed replica of what David wore in the show. And this, David told me, was not unusual. Eddie had a stalker like this once. They dated for a year.

So yes, the Japanese love their Disney. Unlike at the stateside parks, (free) tickets with assigned seats are given out ahead of time for many of the stage shows (including the castle show). Those same guests who line up for an hour before the park opens often rush in just to get tickets for the stage show of their choice. While these are very good stage shows, this is still crazy.

THE LANGUAGE BARRIER
I was very lucky when I visited TDR that I was (at most times) with people who either knew what they were doing or spoke Japanese. However, it is not difficult to get around the resort speaking no Japanese. (Although it wouldn’t kill you to learn “please” and “thank you” before you get on the plane to visit? FYI, that would be “o kudasai” and “arigato” respectively.)

Many cast members speak some English. But please do not expect them to understand your bizarre dietary preferences or to translate what’s happening on every attraction. While all Japanese are required to learn English in school, consider how much of your 9th grade French you remember. Oh, mon Dieu, you get the point. However, just like in the states, all cast members are (usually) kind, considerate, and courteous and will try to help you any way they can.

I was thrilled to find that inside the parks, virtually everything was in English. I was told that when Tokyo Disneyland opened, all the attraction signs were in Japanese, but the guests didn’t like it, feeling that to be submerged in the true Disney experience, signs should be in English. So it’s pretty easy to get around. Menus at restaurants are in both Japanese and English. There are also park guide maps available in English as you enter.

Some of the attractions are presented in English as well, although most are in Japanese. It was very strange to see an Audio-Animatronic Three Little Pigs singing “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf” in Japanese inside the Mickey Mouse Revue.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
I am not a huge fan of Japanese food. There I said it. I like sushi OK. But I’m very happy with pizza and pasta and burritos. So sue me.

I was initially terrified that I would not find anything to eat at the parks. Well, I had nothing worry about. The food is very similar to what you find at the parks in the states—although it’s all a little askew. First off, portions are generally smaller because they are not pigs like Eddie and me. And everything tastes a little different. Not bad. Just different.

Because the Japanese historically have not used refined sugar in their cooking (especially in desserts), things are usually less sweet. So the cookie and ice cream sundae I got on Main Street tasted a little blander than I am used to. I actually got a very tasty calzone (although what it was doing in Westernland—their Frontierland—is beyond me), and of course Coca-Cola tastes the same pretty much everywhere.

Eddie and I love a good breakfast buffet (mmm… buffet…), and we have been known to spend hours at Goofy’s Kitchen and Chef Mickey’s. Gotta say, the buffets at Tokyo Disneyland were interesting. Again, because they don’t use a lot of refined sugar, there wasn’t much in the way of pancakes, waffles, and French toast. But there was plenty of fish. And seaweed.

You can also find Japanese fare around; you just need to look a little harder for it. The Ambassador has a restaurant which features a traditional Japanese breakfast that I decided to brave. (OK, so I was with my cousin who made me go.) It was interesting and I wasn’t upset that I tried it. But I’ll stick with waffles, pancakes, and French toast.

SOUVENIRS
I was surprised by the types of merchandise that were on sale at the parks (and at Bon Voyage, the giant store shaped like a suitcase that is just outside the park’s gates). People had asked me to pick them up T-shirts with the Tokyo Disneyland logo, postcards of attractions, and the typical souvenir guidebooks that are full of big pictures of the whole place.

Turns out, there was barely any of this stuff available. After speaking with their fabulous publicity man in Tokyo, I learned that when the park opened, they tried selling the traditional crap that goes over well in the states. Well, turns out that the Japanese guests weren’t interested in the kind of crap we have here. Instead of T-shirts with park logos, they wanted shirts with characters on them—and tiny little logos. Instead of postcards with sights, they wanted postcards with drawings on them. And instead of the big photo books, they wanted guidebooks crammed with tons of tiny photos and lots of text (including elaborate chapters on the food served at each restaurant, which I found a little strange).

So Disney gave the people what they wanted. Additionally, the thing you can find tons of in the gift stores is FOOD. Disney cookies, crackers, candies, etc. All in nice, little Disney packaging. Because it is customary in Japanese culture to bring a gift back home when you take a trip, guests like to bring food. Of course, some foods aren’t allowed back on the plane with you to the states, so be careful what you buy.

On the bright side, it seems they are dedicated to putting everything ever recorded at the parks onto CD. I bought a disc, which has the complete soundtrack to virtually every attraction in the park. While I can barely understand any of it (some is in English, most is not), it’s still cool. Eddie has become vaguely fluent listening to the discs I brought him. Although I don’t think knowing the lyrics to “A Pirates Life for Me” in Japanese will get him far.

GAYS AT THE PARKS
Not surprisingly, as with Disney parks in general, there are many gay, male cast members. (Ladies, I don’t know what to tell ya—I didn’t meet any lesbian cast members on my trips.) On the downside, unlike in the States, cast members can not easily go into the park. In fact, Caucasian cast members who perform in the parks need to ask permission to go into the park, even if they buy a ticket.

Now, if you are Japanese and/or speak Japanese, it will be easier for you to hook up with locals. Those of you who go glassy-eyed at anything more complicated than “tempura” will probably want to search out Caucasian cast members.

The bulk of the Caucasians working at Tokyo Disneyland are performers (like my friend David). These performers take on the “face character” roles (characters like the princes and princesses whose faces are not covered in masks) or are singers and dancers in shows. Many of the male performers are gay. Shocking. But since not all of you will have your own personal David, you may have a harder time finding these people. Best bet would be the restaurant Monsoon inside Ikspiari (their version of Downtown Disney). I went there for dinner three different times with cast members after they got off work, and we always saw another table of cast members. Happy hunting!

TOKYO DISNEYLAND

It takes a lot to make my jaw drop to the ground (a certain trip to a Chi Chi LaRue set comes to mind), but Tokyo Disneyland did just that. To get some perspective: you could fit the entire Disneyland Resort (both parks, all hotels, and Downtown Disney) into Orlando’s Magic Kingdom. You could put the Magic Kingdom into Tokyo Disneyland with enough room remaining to still fit every guy Eddie slept with. Let’s just say the Astrodome couldn’t do that. (For those of you who want to get technical, Disneyland is 75 acres, the Magic Kingdom is 107 acres, and Tokyo Disneyland is 119.4 acres.)

The park opened in April of 1983 and was the first Disney theme park to open outside the United States. While its shape and design are similar to the stateside parks, Main Street here is called World Bazaar and is covered by a large, glass canopy to protect it from the elements (snow, rain, brimstone). Frontierland is called Westernland, but is essentially the same. In fact, were it not for all the Japanese people walking around, you might actually think you were in the United States.

That’s not exactly true. There are some big differences that will strike visitors immediately, well, gay visitors at least. Paint appears brighter, flowers more elaborate, and everything is more QUIET. Unlike in the states where people feel free to scream at each other across great distances and let their unruly children cry for hours on end, the Japanese people are more, well, refined. Even their kids are quiet! It was a slice of heaven. The other fascinating thing was the attention to detail in non-attraction areas. Everywhere you walk there’s something to look at. While going through Adventureland, I stopped to look at a bubbling stream with elaborate flowers and native art, thinking it was an entrance to an attraction. Nope, just a little extra attention to design. Pretty incredible.

WORLD BAZAAR
It’s Main Street U.S.A.—under glass! Welcome to turn of the (20th) century America, complete with quaint shops, an omnibus, and charming townsfolk (all of whom happen to be Asian).

like to eat among fireflies (this is the park’s other Priority Seating restaurant). The Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse is pretty much the same as in Orlando—and the damn family is still never there to greet you. The Jungle Cruise looks the same too, although I’d be curious to know what the guides were saying. I don’t think “It’s OK to take a picture of the elephants—they have their trunks on!” (from the stateside spiels) translates into Japanese very well. At Theatre Orleans, they are currently presenting Minnie Oh! Minnie, an unintentionally hilarious song and dance show. It’s “spicy Latin rhythms” are sung in both Spanish and Japanese. It is possibly the gayest-looking show ever, with performers coming out in rainbow costumes for a number. The lead singer actually looked at me and winked at that point in the show. I don’t think he was trying to pick me up as much as he was saying, “Look at me! I belong on a gay pride float!” There are two attraction in this land that stand out:

riding it just once. The Audio-Animatronics are the park’s best, with fully animated, fuzzy characters yammering on at each other throughout. In the room where you meet Tigger, instead of the car bouncing, the entire floor bounces, sending the pots up in the air. The chamber full of Heffalumps and Woozles includes nine cars with guests zooming around each other, and a 10th car, packed with Heffalumps and Woozles! I am not prone to gush, except about Madonna and maybe Alias, but gush I must.

TOONTOWN
This colorful, cartoon home of Mickey, Minnie and the gang is essentially identical to the Disneyland version. (It could be because the two were designed practically simultaneously: Disneyland’s opened in 1993, Tokyo’s in 1996) The only difference, which was somewhat jarring for a type-A person like myself who believes everything should be where I expect it to be, is that the entire land is in reverse. So instead of Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin sitting to the right as you walk in, it’s all the way on the left. Also, as with the entire park, the whole place just has a newer feel. But attraction-wise (Mickey’s House, Minnie’s House, Chip ’n Dale’s Treehouese, Gadget’s Go Coaster, Donald’s Boat, Goofy’s Bounce House, and the Jolly Trolley) it’s all the same.

TOMORROWLAND
Tomorrowland is also very similar to its stateside counterparts. Like at Disneyland, Star Tours resides here, and Space Mountain is similar to Disneyland’s original. The high-flying Star Jets, like those in Orlando, afford you a great view of the park. Honey, I Shrunk the Audience is called MicroAdventure! here, which I find funny for politically incorrect reasons that involve height-challenged people bungee-jumping off the Empire State Building. Their Grand Circuit Raceway still puts you in cars to drive at speeds so slow you may go gray while on the attraction (or in Eddie’s case gray-er). Anaheim is about to get a virtual copy of Tokyo’s Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters (complete with lasers you can remove from the holsters). Showbase is a theater, which features a “live” show (meaning, it’s all prerecorded, but at least the performers are real—and lip-synch better than Ashlee Simpson). Currently they have One Man’s Dream II: The Magic Lives On (because they ran out of clever names after the ice cream parlor they named Ice Cream Cones), a review of beloved Disney music. Unique to this park is that some of the buildings in Tomorrowland have a second story. There’s an elevator you can take to go from one floor to another, which is just long enough to catch some private time with one you love… or just one you think is cute.

A unique fixture at DisneySea is the Hotel MiraCosta. While Disney’s Grand Californian Hotel is, in theory, part of California Adventure, it is more of a backdrop for one small part of the Golden State area. However, the stunning MiraCosta, makes up a significant part of the Mediterranean Harbor section. In fact, guests entering DisneySea actually need to walk under the hotel’s stunning arches (as in Disneyland Paris) to get into the park.

Earth; the Imagineers took a little creative license to tie in the port’s two attractions. Anyway, you board your vehicle and begin a nice calm trip underground, passing giant mushrooms and cute-n-colorful creatures when suddenly a volcanic tremor sends you off course. As you continue to descend past an underground ocean, the creatures look less cuddly—especially the giant lava monster that wants to keep you all to herself (yes, HERself—she’s a big girl). Luckily, an eruption (of the volcano, people!) gives your car a burst of energy and sends you at high speed out the side of the volcano into safety. Entertaining and thrilling. Like when you hit the “pause” button just right during Tom Cruise’s love scene in All the Right Movies. Or am I the only one who does that?

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Before you get all wistful for the long-gone submarine voyages at the stateside parks, I should tell you, this ain’t your mama’s sub ride. Instead of boarding a big submarine, you get into a small vehicle that seats just a few people. And instead of actually being under water, the glass in front of you is double-paned with bubbling water in between the two panels to give you the effect of being under the waves, without creating the cost of having to build sets that will last for years in H2O. While the overall theme is the same, the Atlantis portion of the ride is exceptionally lovely, and just when it looks like you may perish, some friendly Atlantians come to your rescue. This is a change from when the park first opened (and from when I first rode the attraction) where it looked like the Atlantians were from outer space and wanted to eat you. Hmmm… All this talk of Atlantis makes me want to take a cruise.

LOST RIVER DELTA
This would be DisneySea’s answer to Adventureland, but I gotta tell ya, Adventureland wishes it was as lush and gorgeous as this Central American-themed port. Again, the land doesn’t have many attractions, but that’s why they’re building Raging Spirits, a wild roller coaster with a 360-degree loop. (Those who have been to Paris should note that Spirits is essentially the same as the Indiana Jones coaster, but because Spirits sits next to a ride that’s already Indy-based, they made some theming changes.) What is here, however, is pretty fab. So after you have taken the DisneyDea Transit Steamer Line from Mediterranean Harbor (because you really are THAT lazy), you can do these things:

Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Crystal Skull
The ride itself is almost the same as Indy at Disneyland (so refer to Queens for details on that puppy). But this is better. Why? Well, the queue line is even more jaw-dropping and the special effects on the ride are significantly improved from the Disneyland version. Favorite moments? The spiraling funnel cloud over the water in the main room and the giant stone face that blows a ring of fire at you. I should also tell you that on the ride you’re apparently on a search for the Fountain of Youth. Don’t ask me why Eddie still hasn’t visited. He needs it.

Mystic Rhythms
This is actually a show, but it’s so friggin’ cool and weird that it merits a little stand out attention. The theater looks like the place where Tarzan Rocks at Animal Kingdom is presented. The show, however, looks like something Cirque du Soleil might dish out in one of their Las Vegas spectacles. There’s flying and water and fire and people dressed to look like animals. I have no idea what was going on (and it’s not even in Japanese!), but it was cool and you should see it.

ARABIAN COAST
It’s what the Morocco pavilion at Epcot really should be. Arabian Coast features sumptuous architecture with extravagant tile work and great attractions. Here you will find Aladdin and Jasmine wandering around (and if you speak English, they will be especially happy to see you). While Eddie and I always say that a carousel is a carousel, the Caravan Carousel is special in that it’s a double-decker merry-go-round, which is pretty cool looking. The carousel features horses, camels, and elephants, as well as Genie from Aladdin. The Agrabah Marketplace was the best-themed gift shop in the park and is definitely worth a look. The two other attractions are must see:

Sindbad’s Seven Voyages
Those kids in Small World ain’t got nothing on the fully-animated Audio Animatronic figures (all 163 of them!) on this wildly ornate dark ride. For those wondering, Sindbad has an extra ‘d’ in his name here from the English telling of Arabian Nights by Sir Richard Burton—no, not Liz’s ex. Back to the attraction…You board a boat to join the hunky Sindbad (who is pretty cute for an Animatronic guy) and his crew for their adventures which include meeting eel women, a Rukh (which is Aramaic, I believe, for huge, ugly bird), a giant, a whale, and monkey people. All of this is in a quest to gain back the money Sindbad wasted years before. So let that be a lesson to all you people who spend all your money on Disney Classics Collection figurines. Eddie.

The Magic Lamp Theater
OK, I’m going to level with you… because we’re so close and all. I have virtually no idea what is going on in this wild, Aladdin-themed live show-meets-3D movie. I know when you’re in the preshow area a very cool Audio-Animatronic snake talks to you. And I know that the story is about an evil magician who wants the Genie from Aladdin’s lamp. And there’s his hapless, good-at-heart assistant trying to survive. The magician and the assistant are both live in front of you while the Genie is 3D, and it’s fascinating watching them all interact. The whole thing is in Japanese. But I gotta say, despite not knowing what the heck was going on, it was pretty great.

IKSPIARI
Ikspiari (pronounced ik-spee-AR-ee) is Tokyo Disneyland’s answer to Downtown Disney. Although I believe the name means “really confusing mall on steroids.” OK, so I’m making that up (and Ikspiari isn’t even a real word—it’s a Japanese play on the word “experience”), but the place is very large and a little difficult to navigate. Ikspiari has nine “themed” zones with different names, although to be honest, it really did just look like a big mall.

it’s the usual mish-mash of shops—most are Japanese versions of standard mall shops but they also have Gap, Eddie Bauer, Diesel, The Body Shop, J. Crew, BCBG, Paul Smith, Tiffany & Co.,and the always-tasty Godiva.

You gotta love when the Japanese give stores names in English that don’t quite translate—or just sound darn funny. These would include: Sweet of Oregon (there’s just one in the whole state), Mash Mania (not a store for fanatics of the sitcom), XLARGE X-Girl (not a store for ladies livin’ large), and something called Labrador Retoriever, which is a clothing store (and, I can only hope, a typo).

For those who come to Tokyo with kids, Camp Nepos is a place to dump them. I mean, it’s a lovely day care center for children in their infancy to age 9. However, the Web site (at www.ikspiari.com/en/) says that information and reservations are in “Japanese only” which may make it difficult for you to tell people you’re leaving your kid for five hours and not five days (or vice versa).

Besides Planet Hollywood (and their always-delicious “Crunch Chicken”) I did enjoy eating at the Southeast Asian-flavored Monsoon Café (located in the section they call “Gracious Square”—though I didn’t notice squares around, gracious or otherwise). As I noted in the Overview, this is a place frequented by Caucasian cast members so you may be able to connect with someone there, if you’re gutsy.

The standard rooms are similar to those in the U.S. The bathrooms are a real treat, though. They have three separate areas for bath, vanity, and toilet, which is very convenient. The room for bathing will be unique to Americans who don’t frequently travel out of the country. There is a bathtub but also a handheld shower mounted on the wall that can be used (A) as a shower while standing in the tub (B) as something to help you wash while sitting in the tub or (C) as a shower while you stand outside of the tub—there’s a drain on the floor of the room (as well as a great waterproofing job) so you can stand and hose off. I imagine this would come in very hand in group situations, although I never found myself in one of those. The amenities in the bathroom are also quite lovely and include the standard shampoo and conditioner (separate—unlike in the States where they are now a combo package), lotion, toothbrush, toothpaste, a men’s shaving kit, soaps, and more. The toilets are also a new and unusual experience. They come with seat heaters, a built-in bidet, deodorizer, and they possibly may also massage your feet—although I never found that function button. The Japanese really know how to use the toilet! Rooms start at around $250 a night in the off-season and go up to around $3,000 for their sweetest suite.

For dining, they have a Chef Mickey, which is similar to the restaurant at the Contemporary Resort, complete with characters and Mickey pancakes. The Empire Grill offers “California cuisine.” Hana is a traditional Japanese restaurant—where my cousin insisted we go when we visited. Ah the joys of fish and seaweed at breakfast! (But it was actually very good, if unusual.) And the Tick Tock Diner has deli fare.

There are two lovely pools (one indoor and one outside), and use is included with your room.

As for shopping, Festival Disney has some nice Disney souvenirs—many Ambassador-themed that are available exclusively here. And Sunset Sundries has whatever you may have forgotten at home (film, suntan lotion, bean curd).

TOKYO DISNEYSEA HOTEL MIRACOSTA

The rooms are stunningly appointed, and many feature spectacular views of the park (others, not so much, so make sure you ask). Rooms are pretty much the same size as your average Disney room. Getting a lagoon view will be priciest, but it also means you get excellent seats for all of the shows performed on the water—as well as a great view of the volcano as it erupts. One morning I woke up before the park opened and there were people on jet skis with kites zooming along the water, a beautiful visual created just for people in the hotel! Beware, even though the rooms start at the “Superior” level, many have TWIN beds. Yes, this makes coupling more of a challenge, so make sure you are specific with your bedding requests. The bathrooms are similar to those in the Ambassador, but I have to say, they are even more elegant with fabulous glass and tilework. Rates run from $320 a night for their cheapest in the off-season to $5,000 a night for their "Il Magnifico" Suite. And if you can afford that, magnifico for you.

The hotel has two restaurants: Oceano, which offers a “Mediterranean-style” buffet (my cousin and I took a look at what that was and decided we weren’t feeling very Mediterranean) and Silk Road Garden, a Chinese restaurant. The Bellavista Lounge indeed offers a very bella vista (that means “nice view,” people—think “Buena Vista”—anyway…) and has a breakfast buffet that I don’t need to eat again (stick with Chef Mickey over at the Ambassador). However, you definitely should have cocktails there at night. While the place doesn’t turn into a gay bar (I wish), they do offer a drink called a “rainbow” in which numerous different kinds of alcohol are layered one on top of the other to create a little boozy rainbow in a glass. If that doesn’t say gay pride, I don’t know what does. I had three.

Like the Ambassador, there are two stores MickeyAngelo Gifts and Minnie Lisa Sundries (oh, how punny they are!). MickeyAngelo offers some unique hotel-themed items as well as the usual Disney goods, and the Sundries shop is your basic sundries shop.

The hotel has two gorgeous pools, one indoor and one outdoor. If you have the extra cash, definitely utilize the facilities (there’s also a gym and sauna)—no, they are not included with the already exorbitant price of the room. But in either case, I highly recommend just taking a walk down to look at them. You’ll half-expect a toga-clad lad or lass to offer to peel you grapes. If only.