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Especially during the flag waving sequences. Nope, not kidding. And we still can’t figure out why every single woman is made to wear a wig while the men all get to wear their own hair. There aren’t any straight-haired blondes in Orlando?

Fairy Fact: Listen for a new song performed by High School Musical star Corbin Bleu. He's not gay but Jeffrey thinks he and Zac are dreamy.

Donald rocks out. Please note sassy performer behind him hasking her groove thang. © Disney

Move It! Shake it! Celebrate it! Street Party Overall Rating ** Attraction Debut: 2009 For those of you who just can’t get enough of the characters, here’s your opportunity to conga with them. Yup, that’s what we said. Conga. Like the Block Party Bash over at Hollywood Studios, this isn’t so much a parade as a “happening” wherein floats (smallish ones, in this case) roll out onto Main Street and stop for a performance before rolling away again.

The Wave at Disney's Contemporary Resort
Meals: B, L, D
Price: $$$
Good food was never a problem at the Contemporary Resort, but the selection recently got even better with the addition of The Wave. Appropriately enough, the Wave is the Resort’s most contemporary restaurant, not just in design (which, like the recently refurbished rooms, is very tasteful and serene) but in menu.

The food, which was uniformly excellent on three separate visits, is sophisticated, with offerings like Alaskan black cod with corn and edemame and, for breakfast, make-your-own muesli. The menu also skews toward health consciousness, which isn’t always the easiest to find in Orlando.The adjacent bar is equally sophisticated with yummy signature drinks (have the Antioxidant Cocktail to offset the sun damage you’ve acquired in the park; Jeffrey typically has seven or eight—he gets a lot of sun) and a very cool, calming lighting design.

Since the Contemporary is an easy walk to and from the Magic Kingdom, this has become a favorite stop, either to start the day or as a mid-day break. If we have a complaint, it’s that the restaurant is completely windowless. It’s like being in a Vegas casino. Eddie particularly hates that since at his advanced age, he needs landmarks and sunlight to orient him, otherwise he has no idea where he is half the time.

Tusker House
Meals: B, L, D
Price: $$$
While we sort of feel that another all-you-can-eat buffet destination isn’t what the average park-goer needs, Tusker House is a winner and a much-needed dining addition to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Like Boma over at Animal Kingdom Lodge, this is a buffet with African influences. It’s great for those wanting to be just a bit adventurous (but not more than a bit). And the setting, in keeping with the village theme of Harambe, is warm and welcoming. Breakfast is a safari character breakfast with Donald and “friends” which we recommend only if you need a picture of Donald in his pith helmet. Otherwise, wait for lunch and have the far more interesting cuisine offered then.

The Laugh Floor Comedy Club
Attraction Debut: 2007
Overall Rating: **

You know what makes us nuts (other than Zac Efron repeatedly refusing to acknowledge his love for Eddie)? Wasted opportunity. And watching The Laugh Floor Comedy Show makes us nuts. Here’s an attraction that utilizes the most sophisticated technology available: beloved animated characters can actually carry on conversations with guests in a truly interactive experience.

And yet, the application of said technology is more pedestrian and dull than an episode of Cashmere Mafia. The premise comes from the end of the film, Monsters, Inc.,

Not monsterously funny. © Disney

in which the monsters of Monstroplis realize that laughter can power their city. They have therefore opened a comedy club in order to garner laughs and keep their jacuzzis running. The inherent problem lies in the fact that laughs which either come from or appeal to the majority of children in the audience are, well, wince-inducing. These are the kinds of jokes that invite tomatoes, but since this isn’t an actual comedy club there’s no booze to ease the pain. So as shiny and new as this one may be, we have to call the “laugh floor” an optimistic name, at best. Still, for lovers of the crotchety prune, Roz, there’s plenty of her to go around.
 
Fairy Fact: To add insult to injury, this new attraction replaces our beloved Time Keeper. Not only was the attraction the last remnant of a Magic Kingdom tradition—the CircleVision 360 film—it also had a robotic Robin Williams and Rhea Pearlman. And while we don’t have a lot of patience for Rhea Pearlman, the robotic version had charm.

The Haunted Mansion Overall Rating: ***** Attraction Debut: 1971 FP Yes, we know that The Haunted Mansion is, well, a haunted mansion. But when actual cobwebs were growing on the fake ones, it was time for a bit of rehab. Like the recent changes made to Pirates of The Caribbean, the Mansion updates are just right; they augment the experience without tampering with the classic original.

Look! Eddie's boyfriends sharing a nice meal together. © Disney

All of the recent enhancements made to the Disneyland version (the all-new attic and the “floating Leota”) have been imported, , but we also get animated wallpaper (it doesn’t just stare at you, it blinks!) and an eye-popping new room of endless staircases which replaces the archaic arachnids that looked tame enough to understudy in Charlotte’s Web. As with Pirates, it’s the same mansion you’ve always loved with a few new baubles thrown in. We love it!
 
Fairy Fact: Of all of the Disney attractions, this is the only one that’s in a different land in each park. Disneyland’s resides in New Orleans Square, Tokyo’s in Fantasyland, and Paris’s in Frontierland.

One duck a l'orange to go. © Disney

Dream Along With Mickey Overall Rating: ** Attraction Debut: 2007 Dream Along With Mickey follows the basic formula of most of the shows performed on the forecourt of Cinderella’s Castle: Characters arrive and talk about how happy they are; villains arrive; characters cower; characters triumph and skip off to their dressing rooms. This one, however, represents a first. Look closely at Mickey and Minnie. Nope, you didn’t imagine it. Their lips are moving and their eyes are blinking (if you look really closely, you’ll notice the performers controlling those movement by bringing their thumbs and middle fingers together). When we first heard about the heads, they sounded creepy, but these new (and EXPENSIVE) heads are actually really cool. Of course, once you’ve seen these heads animated, it’s hard to go back to the motionless versions in the parades and at meet and greets. But still, we like ‘em! And the show itself is cute enough. Plus it features Maleficint (who spits out the killer line to Donald “That YOU believe is of very little consequence!”) and we’re always happy to see her. Next to Elphaba, she’s our favorite green girl.

Fairy Fact: While Cinderella’s Castle may be out of another century, its elevator is definitely modern. There’s only one, however, and it’s used by both the performers coming up from the tunnels to perform the show as well as the lucky winners of a stay in the Cinerella Suite. So sometimes, just sometimes, guests on the way to their room may find themselves unexpectedly sharing the ride with a princess or three.

They're lovers, not fighters . © Disney

After Hours Fun at the Magic Kingdom (no, not that kind!)
In recent years, Disney has found that there’s money to be made by throwing after-hours, hard-ticket parties in the Magic Kingdom. Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party and Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party, each with their own parades, stage shows and fireworks, have become very popular perennials. But despite the fact that Disney thinks that August is about the right time to start rolling out Halloween, there were still several months of the year without an appropriate money-making party. Enter Pirate and Princess. Granted, the theme is just a bit strained. (After all, pirates and princesses don’t do a whole lot of interacting. Really this feels like the smashing together of two merchandise lines.) But this one actually works really well, too, even surpassing the other two in some ways. Though there is no special stage show at The Pirate and Princess Party, the parade and fireworks are both exceptional. The former is unique in that it includes several units featuring Pirates of the Caribbean and the latter includes an unusual amount of voice-over, including Captain Hook attempting to take over Cinderella’s Castle and Sleeping Beauty’s fairies engaging (via pyrotechnics) in their eternal pink/ blue battle. It’s all pretty spectacular. And for character whores (read: Eddie) this party doesn’t disappoint. Mickey, Donald Goofy and Pluto are all in Pirate costumes (which we’ve only seen previously on the cruise line) and Princess Minnie and Princess Daisy are out along with the ladies you’d expect. But even more interesting are characters you NEVER see including the camels from Alladin, The Little Mermaid’s Flounder and Sebastian, and Space Age Stitch (the six armed version, before he becomes cute). Little kids will appreciate all of the free pirate booty (OK, who are we kidding; WE enjoyed all of the free pirate booty) and, best of all, attraction lines were minimal. So while it’s hard for us to recommend forking over still more money on your Disney World vacation, we have to say that Pirate and Princess is worth the expenditure. And since guests are encouraged to dress up, this counts as one of the very few times we can stroll the park as princesses without causing a stir. (The blisters caused by glass slippers are another thing entirely).

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Toy Story Mania Overall Rating: *** Attraction Debut: 2008 After a great deal of anticipation and hype, Toy Story Mania opened in two parks both in need of a popular new attraction. Disney’s California Adventure and Disney’s Hollywood Studios were both hungry for something new and shiny. New, they got. Shiny? Well, Toy Story Mania is

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Spaceship Earth Overall Rating: **** Attraction Debut: 1982 When it was announced that Spaceship Earth was getting an overhaul, we couldn’t have been more despondent. The thought of losing Jeremy Irons’ dulcet (if occasionally soporific) narration was too much to bear. JEREMY IRONS! A gay hero since Brideshead Revisited. And a Disney villain (The Lion King) to boot!

Look, ma, no hideous wand! © Disney

Well, as much as we love our Jeremy, we can’t imagine a better replacement than Dame Judi Dench (who, thanks to Notes on a Scandal, has her own gay cred.). Dame Judi helps bring this warhorse back to life with a new script that, unlike its predecessor, actually makes sense. But narration’s not all that got spruced up in this rehab. Several new animatronic figures (including an afro-tastic ’70s era computer technician) are welcome additions, although the arrival of the new stuff meant the loss of the Elizabethan students who, we’re certain, in their off-time, whispered sweet nothings to each other in Iambic pentameter. Sadly, while Spaceship Earth giveth, it also taketh away. While the journey to the geosphere’s summit is full of enhancements, Eddie thinks the trip back down is disappointing. Gone are the “future’s” tableaux and gone too are the fiber optic lights that everyone knows represent the space age (duh!). Instead, the ride concludes with guests answering questions on their in-vehicle monitors and then seeing animated versions of the future, based on their choices. Jeffrey can’t get enough of the video but Eddie is underwhelmed. After all, while this interactive technique was cute on the late Horizons ride when Epcot first opened, this technology is now familiar to any kid who surfs DVD extras. Bring back the waxworks!  

Fairy Fact: Sculpting Audio-Animatronics is expensive. So sometimes Imagineers will save a bit and re-use old molds. Check out the sleeping monk as you pass him by. Look familiar? What do you mean you don’t recognize Woodrow Wilson! And that’s Ulysses S. Grant sculpting in the Renaissance and Dwight Eisenhower on the lute. Haven’t you been to the Hall of Presidents lately? And stayed awake?

 

The Seas with Nemo & Friends Overall Rating: ** Attraction Debut: 2007 Here’s another attraction we gave a brief review to in the new edition of our book, but due to size constraints (and we hate being limited by size, since we know it does matter), the review was too brief. Here we get to flesh it out. Heh heh, we said, “Flesh.” But back to the review.

Look out for Sea Men. Get it??? © Disney

On this ride, which stands where the old Living Seas attraction used to bore us… we mean, “stand,” guests board “clamobiles” (this makes our pals Claire and Lindsay giggle) before they meet up with Finding Nemo’s teacher, Mr. Ray, who is on a field trip with his class. But little Nemo seems to have wandered away, so off you must go to find Nemo (Jesus, this kid needs LoJack). Along your way, you’ll encounter Dory, Bruce, Marlin, and… oh yeah, real fish too. While it’s certainly cute enough for a dark ride, we wish they had actually invested a little more in Audio-Animatronics instead of relying so much on projected film to essentially rehash Nemo. The ginormous aquarium that remains the center of this attraction has 65 different varieties of fishes swimming about. The “wow” moment comes at the end when Nemo characters are seen inside the tanks with other fish—and they do really seem to be in there (and no, they are not). That part’s really cool, but it’s also really brief. Like the plot of the Disneyland Nemo attraction, the story here is supposed to take place after the film, yet rehashes the whole film. (Even the plot of Grease 2 showed more originality). Although here, instead of getting captured as he does in the movie, Nemo runs off. So now, instead of feeling sorry for the poor little clown fish, we’re just annoyed. In fact we’d like to see the brat over rice with a side of wasabi.

Fairy Fact: The 5.7 million gallon tank at the Seas is so big that Spaceship Earth could fit inside with room to spare.

Seriously? They couldn't have made an Animatronic duck? © Disney

Gran Fiesta Tour Overall Rating: ** Attraction Debut: 2007 Those of you familiar with our book know how we felt about this space’s previous inhabitant, El Rio del Tiempo, better known to us as “the river of wasted time.” We were fairly certain that if we’d given MacGyver a wad of crepe paper and three paperclips he could have come up with something better.

Thankfully, this amusing reincarnation of the Mexican pavilion’s boat ride is significantly more enjoyable than what came before. Now “The Three Caballeros” (Donald Duck along with Panchito Pistoles and José Carioca—revived from a long siesta) join you for a tour through Mexico as they get ready for a concert. The attraction itself has physically barely changed, but the infusion of poultry injects a lot more life—not to mention a Disney element—into the journey. The story involves Panchito and José chasing a wayward Donald who is busy experiencing all the joys that lie South of the Border (one of which seems to be hot tubbing!) and decides to skip out on rehearsing for the evening’s concert with his amigos. Sadly, the fine feathered friends are all animated (intermixed with new live-action footage shot for the attraction), and while they are colorful and funny, we wish in our hearts that there was an Audio-Animatronic bird somewhere in the attraction—at least for the celebratory finale scene when the Caballeros finally make it to their show and sing about what we’ve known all along: “We’re Three Caballeros, three gay caballeros!” Olé!

Fairy Fact: The Three Caballeros is actually one of two south-of-the border films staring Donald and Jose. Panchito isn't in the first one, Saludos Amigos, and that's too bad, because he's clearly the one who gets the other two drunk and laid. The three were going to make it a trilogy, with a movie shot in Donald's territory, America, but Jose and Panchito weren't allowed into the country. Ultimately, they got here anyway. They're picking fruit in Temecula, but they're here.

The American Adventure Overall Rating: ***** Attraction Debut: 1982 The must-see American Adventure attraction is just as compelling (and surprisingly lefty) as it’s always been, but the finale has been updated to include some contemporary images like Lance Armstrong, Sandra Day O’Conner, Bill Clinton and 9/11. Sadly, the new stuff meant a few cuts, including Judy Garland and Rock Hudson. Don’t these people know history????

Your place or mine, stud? © Disney

Fairy Fact: In the opening scene, Imagineers gave Mark Twain a shot glass because of his love of the drink. In honor of this, Jeffrey carries a shot glass with him around at all times. No, not just for this attraction

O Canada!
Overall Rating: ***
Attraction Debut: 1982 (revised in 2008)
Eddie and Jeffrey tend to disagree about the Epcot movies; Eddie loves them, Jeffrey couldn’t care less. But even Eddie will tell you that O Canada was looking older than Celine Dion’s husband. Canadians, who didn’t like being portrayed as lumberjacks, thought so too and, after seven years of lobbying, got a new version. This new one is a vast improvement and benefits from the presence of host Martin Short (who is a brave man to allow himself to be shot in close up on nine screens since he, too, is looking older than Celine’s husband). Shockingly, the update doesn’t mention that homosexuals can marry up there. But then it also doesn’t mention maple sugar candy and really, if we had to choose which of those was more important, it’d be almost a draw. The Canadian anthem, Canada (You’re a Lifetime Journey), is still sung, but this new, belty cover is from Canadian Idol winner, Eva Avila.

Fairy Fact: On your way into the movie, beyond the cascading waterfall, mixed in with the rocks, is a small stone with a hinge. If you lift it up, you’ll find the valve to turn off the entire waterworks. You can bet that you’ll also find yourself ejected from the park if you touch said valve

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Tusker House (update)
Meals: B, L, D
Price: $$$
While we sort of feel that another all-you-can-eat buffet destination isn’t what the average park-goer needs, Tusker House is a winner and a much-needed dining addition to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Like Boma over at Animal Kingdom Lodge, this is a buffet with African influences. It’s great for those wanting to be just a bit adventurous (but not more than a bit). And the setting, in keeping with the village theme of Harambe, is warm and welcoming. Breakfast is a safari character breakfast with Donald and “friends” which we recommend only if you need a picture of Donald in his pith helmet. Otherwise, wait for lunch and have the far more interesting cuisine offered then.

Finding Nemo—The Musical Overall Rating: *** Attraction Debut: 2006 In the recent edition of our book we give a quick review to this musical confection. Our desire to opine was usurped by our desire to get the book into your hands. So we cut a photo and added a quick review. The lengths we go to for our readers! But here we thought we’d give a little more space to the musicalized version of the non-musical Disney-Pixar flick.

Dude, you are totally rad! © Disney

The original, catchy score is by husband-and-wife team Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, the latter of whom composed the music for the hilarious, queer-inclusive, Tony-winning musical Avenue Q. And like that show, Nemo features puppets operated by fully visible actors. Also like that show, it features queer characters… well, if you count forgetful fish Dory, voiced in the film by Ellen DeGeneres—and we say she counts! And she sings! In fact, Dory’s motto, “Just Keep Swimming,” becomes one of the mini-musicals best numbers. But it’s Crush the sea turtle who steals the show with “Go with the Flow,” as the cast swirls though the EAC. The 30-minute spectacular also includes dancers, acrobats, animations, and a whole lot of fish. The narrative rushes by (as do the too-brief songs), so a familiarity with the movie is a necessity—but since you’ve seen it 30 times, we’re not too worried. Fans will not be disappointed.

Jeffrey couldn't even get cast as third anemone from the left. Sad, really. © Disney

Fairy Fact: If you look real closely at the propeller on the submarine, you’ll see a few hidden Mickeys. Unfortunately, you have to be on stage to see ‘em for yourself, and we don’t think Nemo would be too happy to find you there.

Yak and Yeti Restaurant Meals: L, D Price: $$$ We have constantly bitched about Animal Kingdom’s lack of good food and sit down restaurants (the Rainforest Café at the park’s entrance notwithstanding). So of course we had to sample everything on the menu our first time at Yak and Yeti. It’s situated close to Expedition Everest, so after you lose your lunch there, you can enjoy it again here. Sampling everything was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because the eats at this Asian fusion eatery are fantastic; the seared Ahi tuna, dim sum and salad we started with were outstanding. The crispy mahi mahi was Jeffrey’s favorite (he blissfully recalls the rich tomato-based sauce that gives the fish its zing), while Eddie preferred the maple chicken with a hint of curry (strange, because Jeffrey usually prefers chicken). The mango pie for dessert was a bit of a let down, but the cream cheese wontons more than made up for it.

Mmmmmm. Sweet, delicious yak. © Disney

Another blessing is the design—the place is themed to the nines with every inch of space used to set the Asian tone: giant statues in detailed garments, woven bamboo ceilings, and unique chandeliers in every room—each is different but somehow all go together. Now for the curses. There were just two. The first was that we were so fat after eating there, we sunk our raft on the Kali River Rapids. The second, are the prices. Yes, the food was remarkable, possibly one of the best in-park restaurants along with Le Cellier and The Hollywood Brown Derby. But our lunch was over $100. Yes, we ate like pigs, but we didn’t even sip any of the cutesy boozy beverages on the menu. A couple could probably get out of there spending around $85 for lunch, but that seems like a lot to spend on even a great meal. Of note: neither yak nor yeti is available on the menu. But perhaps you could make a special request.